My Story (Part 5) The Gift
“Hope is the only thing stronger than fear.” — Robert Ludlum
We ended the trip in Port Douglas and stayed at the Sheraton Grand Mirage Resort which is right on four mile beach. I knew about the Port Douglas markets as I had been before as a teen and had a life changing foot massage from a guy who could tell you your future. He had predicted some things I didn’t want to hear at the time and he was 100% accurate, I always remembered it. I felt called to go again and see if there was someone like him there, something I had never done since but if I wanted to do again, see a psychic, I knew this has to be the place.
As soon as I laid eyes on her, I felt she was legit. There were coloured scarves hung from the trees surrounding this spot on the dirt where her table was, slowly flowing in the salty Port Douglas breeze. When it was my turn, I sat down and didn’t tell her anything. She knew so much about me. She asked me about Ayurveda (I had been doing social media for an Ayurveda clinic at the time) and the wellness journey I had been on. She said I needed to do more breath-work and she picked up on the fertility battle enough for me to share more without giving too much away. She decided she wasn’t going to tell me one way or another if I would have a baby, I didn’t want to hear it either but when I mentioned I had just come from the Daintree, she said I should go to this watering hole that helps with fertility.
I had actually heard of it. We had just done a guided tour with an aboriginal guide from the community two days before and he told us about ‘Blue Hole’. He had picked us up from where we were staying and drove to its driveway which was, as the bird flies, only one a block away from our place. It’s a place of ‘women’s business’ and men should not go there. He said I should go (not knowing my story) but we were leaving the next morning and it was raining and I would have had to venture up a long dirt road on my own, walking through the rainforest in the fog, past the poisonous flora we had just learnt about, to swim alone in the water with no idea if any crocs were around. I was considering it but was reading up on it the night before and couldn’t figure out if it was disrespectful for me to go or not and hearing about men going and being made sterile, I decided not to risk it because I am wadjela (non-indigenous).
This psychic knew a lot about it as she had worked a lot with community up there for over a decade or something and she said it would have been fine and that I should go back to swim in those healing fertile waters.
While nothing else riveting happened with this psychic, I include this part because it highlighted to me the fact that we had been swimming in our own watering hole for days without even knowing that one body of water over from ours was a pool of sacred water that heals fertility.
OF ALL THE PLACES IN AUSTRALIA WE COULD HAVE CHOSEN TO GO ON HOLIDAY AT THIS TIME IN OUR LIVES AND I CHOSE FOR US TO TRAVEL HERE!!!!
THIS of all places had been where I was called to? It blew my mind. A place where indigenous women came from all over to heal and soothe and give birth. I truly believe that all of the water in this region is sacred, I could feel it when we were swimming, I knew I didn’t need to go back to Blue Hole and that our very own swimming hole had been perfection.
The Daintree is the oldest continually surviving tropical rainforest on earth, estimated to be around 180 million years old. It is also one of the largest rainforests in the world and boasts incredible biodiversity, with many unique and ancient plant and animal species found nowhere else. It is also the only place where two world heritage sites meet - The Daintree Rainforest and The Great Barrier Reef. We went to that spot, where they meet. It was magical. It was all sacred land.
This was the pinnacle of my healing journey.
We returned to Perth on the 12th September after an incredible 12 days away. I was booked in to have a HyCoSy on the 16th September and to see the new fertility doctor again. There was something about that test that didn’t sit well with me, although I now understand it was a great idea for someone in my position and also the logical next step, I just didn’t like the idea of it.
As I explained earlier, it is a simple flush through the uterus to see if all the tubes are working but after having had so many people do strange things to my uterus and still feeling very triggered by all of it, I was very cautious of anything else.
I had put one off already before we left and when the rescheduled one came around, this time I told them again I didn’t want to do it. I had no explanation, other than not wanting to, even though it could technically help us.
I still saw the doctor that day regardless and instead of the procedure, he looked at my bloods more closely and because he is a holistic fertility doctor, one who considers the overall health of his patients - people who have mostly been given up on by the system - to my complete surprise, he told me to eat more greens! After a year of healing, eating only organic and being the healthiest I ever had ever been in my entire life, I couldn’t believe my ears but I took the challenge seriously and went straight to the farmers market after the appointment and bought a giant box of organic greens.
He did a quick ultrasound, which by this point was such common practice, I didn’t give it a second thought, so much so that I didn’t even have my partner with me for this appointment and when he asked if I would like the nurse to step in for it, I said no need because I trusted him. Even though having a cold, gel covered dildo-like probe put inside of you by a strange man is never something you get comfortable with, it was likely my 300th one at this point.
We made another appointment for four weeks time and would figure out then what our next steps would be, if any.
At this time in my life I was journaling like crazy, connecting deeply with myself every day, leaning so far into being grateful for what I already had in an effort to ‘stop the ache’, eating so so well, incorporating greens into literally every meal, trying to be present and meditate, the daily rituals were strong. I wasn’t hardly drinking as even on our holiday, it just no longer felt aligned. I had stopped drinking coffee or any caffeine at all for a year now and couldn’t have been in a healthier faze of life if I’d tried.
I had been listening to the audio book of ‘spirit baby’ and had been trying to connect with our spirit baby through the meditations the book provides. I had always believed we had a little girl spirit baby around us because my partner, who, quote ‘hates dreams’, had this one beautiful dream years before of a baby girl and had told me about it and said it was the most beautiful dream he had ever had and he was washing her in a sink and I was there and she looked like me and that it felt so real and ever since then we had always held onto that memory as a sign of hope.
On the 23rd of September I did a breath work class. It was intense. I always thought ‘breath work’ was just that, to help with breathing to relax and lower the vagus nerve but instead this class was a heavy experience that involved listening to headphones as you are guided through a journey to a climax of release. You had to breathe only through your mouth with three breaths in and only one out, all through the mouth to get your oxygen levels up I think, and the person guiding us tried to bring us to this peak moment where you either see Narnia or you don’t and then you release and let go or you don’t. It felt ridiculous. I could hear other people groaning, I couldn’t get into it. I really wanted to let go and experience the release.
Suddenly just as I was thinking it was all a waste, white light. It washed over me, blinded me. I felt instantly connected to my spirit baby. I released something, some trauma maybe, something. I let go and I balled my eyes out. I had never experienced anything like it and it was definitely the closest I had ever come to feeling a higher power. I had the most beautiful visions, I revisited our rainy Daintree experience and knew in that moment we had shifted something, our magical moment. It was as though all the highlights of this riveting transformation I had been going through over the past few years flashed before my eyes. It was gorgeous, it was gut wrenching. It was healing. I felt raw for a week afterwards.
On the 14th of October we had our next appointment with the new fertility doctor and it had come around quickly. We sat in his office, my partner had his phone on to record the voices which was something he always did now because these fertility appointments were always so confusing and overwhelming and we often needed to listen back for medical instructions or the nitty gritty stuff.
I haven’t actually delved into this side of it all because it is too painstaking but the constant advocating for oneself needed throughout this journey was debilitating, to say the least. So we recorded everything.
Before this appointment I had asked my integrative GP about the Ureaplasma we had been treated for and turns out there are two kinds of antibiotics that can treat it, if one doesn’t work then the other is advised, however when I asked this doctor what happens if the type we took doesn’t work, he said there was no further investigation, they either do or they don’t. I didn’t feel ok about that. If we had this bacteria that could be causing infertility, wouldn’t we want to be absolutely certain it was gone and treated with the right medication for us? So I had my GP write him a letter explaining that we wanted to try the other one too and at this appointment I planned to present it to him.
First he wanted to know how my cycle had been since I saw him last. I said I was starting to believe I was maybe no longer ovulating every cycle because some months were so out of whack, like this one, I still hadn’t had my period and it was almost 60 days now, to which his reply was, ‘to be honest that is likely what is happening because your AMH is so low’ and that, likely I was skipping every other ovulation.
After a bit of an awkward push on my part about the antibiotics he said he would swab me again but first was the routine ultrasound.
“Go behind the curtain please.” said the Doctor. I went behind the curtain as I always did, my partner on the other side where he couldn’t see, took my pants off and had my standard ultrasound to see how my uterus was looking, yet again.
The next part I will write like a transcript.
(Doctor puts the probe in). I lay there watching the screen as the visual comes up, not being able to make sense of it as usual and he shuffles around for a few minutes and then he says in the quietest voice -
Doctor: You are pregnant.
Me: Sorry?
Doctor: You are pregnant.
Timothy (behind curtain): What?
Me: Really? Wait, what?
Doctor: That’s the pregnancy sac there.
Me: A what, sorry?
Doctor: The pregnancy sac. That’s your uterus, that’s the pregnancy sac, and that’s the baby there.
Me: Really?
Doctor: Yeah.
Me (crying): I don’t know how.
Timothy (behind curtain): What the hell?
Me (laugh crying): Timothy’s behind the screen—can he see?
Doctor: Yeah, come.
(Doctor plays a loud throbbing noise on the monitor)
Me: What’s that?
Doctor: That’s the heartbeat of the baby.
Me: YOU’RE JOKING. (cry/laughing) What? OMG.
(To the doctor) We went to this healing waters place in the Daintree Rainforest and... um... we only had sex once that entire trip, and I don’t even think it was the right day or anything. Really? Are you serious? This is so surreal. What do you mean?
I was saying to my other doctor—my breasts have been feeling so sensitive and I’ve been feeling really lightheaded.
Doctor: Hmm.
Me: Are you serious? I honestly don’t believe it.
Doctor: (hands Timothy a printout of the baby in my uterus image) Some screenshots for you.
Timothy: (laughs)
Me: Omg, are you serious? What the fuck. Thank god we didn’t do that HyCoSy when we were meant to—it would have flushed the baby away.
Doctor: I think treating the ureaplasma was spot on.
Me: Hmm... are you joking?
Doctor (flabbergasted): Joking? What? No. I do have jokes, but this is not one of them.
Me: Omg, I can’t. Omg.
(Speaking out loud) And I was saying I hadn’t seen a love heart in ages, and I always thought I’d never see one if the baby came earth side. (delirious laughing, looks at Timothy)
Timothy: (laughing)
Me: Do I have to now? Aghhh. I don’t understand. I don’t understand.
Timothy: What the hell.
(Doctor tells me to put my clothes back on.)
Me: I am so shook.
Timothy: Well, that is very unexpected... for today.
Me: That is insane.
(Doctor sits us down.)
Doctor: You are six and a half weeks along. I am thrilled for you.
(As we try to process when it could have been, we realise it definitely was that time away. I had handed it over to the universe, finally let go, and within 48 hours—it was done.)
Doctor: Congratulations. Go and get this blood test. Sorry to rush you, sign here.
Me (in background): What the hell...
Doctor: Do this blood test and I’ll see you in two weeks.
Timothy: Whoa (hearing the word "congratulations")
Me (still asking as I’m being ushered out the door): Are you joking? This is weird. I’m going to go home and do a pregnancy test. What? I don’t understand.
We left the doctor’s office and as we walked out, before even getting to the street my partner cried tears of joy, he balled. I had never seen anyone cry as much as he did in that moment, it was as if an ocean of relief came out of him. We went straight to the pharmacy and bought three pregnancy tests. We had heard the baby’s heartbeat, yet it still couldn’t sink in. I needed something tangible and stared at that positive pregnancy test on our counter for hours every day for about three weeks.
In the car on our way to the pharmacy, my partner said we should put the radio on and the first song we hear is our baby’s song. All the stations had talking and ads on until we got to RTRFM and it was the most beautiful song in Spanish, we asked Shazam to tell us what the song was called and, more tears, it was called ‘Angel.’
(I love this song so much and it has obviously become so dear to our hearts.)
I was 6.5 weeks pregnant.
It never sank in.
Image Caption: Pregnant and wearing the love heart necklace I bought when we were told we would never conceive. Also wearing Bumpsuit, the comfiest pregnancy clothing label of all time, created by WA expat, Nicole Trunfio. Finally it was my turn!
There was not a day of my pregnancy where I let myself envision my baby earth side. While my partner was envisioning every year of its life, every moment we would get to experience together, my entire focus was on growing this little life inside of me. I didn’t want to jinx it, so I took it one day at a time, I did not think ahead. I was only ‘allowed’ to read about the week of pregnancy I was in, that was all. Deep down I actually felt at peace about keeping the pregnancy, I always knew that if I was able to fall pregnant, I would keep it, I don’t know how or why but I knew it in my gut, however I was jaded enough to believe that if I got ahead of myself even at all, Murphy’s Law would kick in and stuff everything up and I was taking no risks. This is certainly trauma playing out and was my body’s way of protecting me, almost like being in a freeze state, trying to prevent any future disappointment.
Our fertility doctor, being someone who helped prevent recurrent miscarriage, advised me to follow his Intralipid infusion protocol like he did with many of his other patients who had immune fighting symptoms to a pregnancy - we hadn’t gotten far enough in our explorations to see if this was something I showed indicators for but he said it was a good idea even just because of my age. I was now 39 and so we did it as a precaution. Most people have never heard of it before as it is not common practice but it is basically lipids (fats), mostly made up of soybean oil, egg yolk and glycerine, administered through an intravenous (IV) line (into a vein in the arm). I had four of them and it cost thousands because it is not supported by medicare (alternative therapy) but apparently helps the placenta and the size of the baby to grow big and healthy and to full term.
He made me nervous and told me to wait to book in an OB until 12 weeks because we weren’t sure if the baby would keep (not nice to hear), however I soon learnt that this is a crazy amount of time to wait because most OB’s in Perth would be fully booked out by then. Most people are calling up the day of a positive test to nab the person they want. I had already had the idea of who I wanted to be our OB long before, I had had long enough to think about it, even though I was now wanting to do things very holistically if at all possible. It was, for obvious reasons - heart sign related - a doctor we had heard of initially and been referred to see as our very first fertility doctor - his name was Dr Love. When I initially heard of him, I thought it way too strange and so we saw that other wench, however I always kept him in my mind and knew it was now the time.
We did make it to 12 weeks and when I called up he had one spot left and it was ours.
